The Princess And The Flamer
by Kitsune Tanaka
Summary: Edward is a pretty pretty princess, and Roy is a brave shiny knight. On fire. Roy saves Ed from many scary debacles… Includes commentary from Ed and Roy. UPDATE: Finally really complete!
1. In Which There Are Introductions

The Princess and the Flamer

Summary: Edward is a pretty pretty princess, and Roy is a brave shiny knight. On fire. Roy saves Ed from many scary debacles… Includes commentary from Ed and Roy. Crackfic, with possible plot, even though I haven't found it yet either.

A/N: Tense switch is on purpose, because this is what happens when you read stories to silly alchemists.

Disclaimer: I own nothing and nobody. Not even myself. And most tragically not Ed or Roy. Heck, I'd settle for Black Hayate.

Disclaimer II: Just to let you know, this is the product of staying up for 30 hours reading slash, smoking, and drinking copious amounts of sweet tea, and then saying "I can do that!" strikes pose of awesomeness, akin to Roy proclaiming that females will wear tiny miniskirts So, read with that in mind, and fear. Lots, and lots of fear.

* * *

Once upon a time… 

Wait. That isn't how this story starts. This isn't a fairy tale. But it does have a proverbial fairy in it. Does that count?

Edward: No. No, that doesn't count.

Oh, alright.

So, anyway…

Wait. How am I going to start the story now, Edward, since you're the bright one?

Edward: Fine! Use "Once upon a time". See if I care if you ruin the whole thing.

Yay!

Once upon a time, there was a pretty princess in the highest tower of a really big castle in the middle of nowhere. The princess, Edward, was pining over his champion, who was currently on a quest for the princess, was missing in action. Not in a bad way, just temporarily not able to be found.

Ed: Wait. Hold the phone. Princess? Who's the princess? Aren't princesses usually girls?

Oh hush. Who's reading this to you?

Ed: Pretty?

Well, you got me there. You are quite pretty. Now can it. I've still got a lot of story to go.

As I was saying…

The princess' champion, the brave knight Roy the Mustang, was questing for the princess. For what, you ask? The prince, of course!

Ed: Why does Colonel Bastard get a cool title, and I get to be a princess.

Did I happen to mention that you're in a pink dress? cowers in fear

Ed: WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU PUT ME IN A PINK DRESS!

Roy: smirks It looks good on you Edward. Pink is definitely your color.

Ed: Can it.

Right. If these two will stop rudely interrupting me, I could get a little further into this story.

Where was I? Right. Prince.

So, Roy the Mustang is off questing to find Princess Edward's long-lost brother, Prince Alphonse. But, rumor had it that he was trapped somewhere behind a big black gate with creepy babies.

When we had last heard from our questing knight, he was off carousing with Vato the Fallman (who always got blamed for everything. Poor sap.), Kain of the Fueries (needs anger management and deals with the fates. Not a good combination.), Jean the Havoc (do I really need to explain that one? Ok, he's a berserker. Who smokes.), and…

Oh, did I mention that Roy has a pet?

Ed: No, you didn't, you terrible story-teller.

Well, he does. And, it's a hawk. Named Riza. (Never saw that one coming, did you?)

So, anyway. Roy the Mustang is questing for Prince Alphonse, right? Right.

Ed: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!

Fine, fine. Abuse the story-teller, won't you?

Right, so, Roy, questing…

Okay! On with the story, if I can find the train of thought that has careened so far off track that it's in Chicago, heading towards a train from New York at 70 miles per hour…

Ed: WOMAN! PAY ATTENTION. This is not math. You are not in hell.

Okay. Sorry about that.

Roy is questing for the long-lost Prince Alphonse, who is in a very tall tower in a large black castle behind a large black gate, which is guarded by a large black dragon.

Roy rides up to the castle with his trusty hawk on his shoulder and his not-so-trusty traveling companions beside him. Roy then pulled a string from out of nowhere and heard a creepy voice say:

"And the dragon says…"

"RAAAAWWWWWWWWRRRRR!!!"

* * *

Oh noes! The cliffy! Fear it. But more will come soon. As soon as more nicotine is injested. (Yes, that's on purpose.) I will walk in the rain to get more nicotine and not sleep so that I can write more crack just so that people will never read this. Yay! 


	2. In Which Things Are Badly Parodied

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the many movies or anime that are referenced in here.

Note: Not as cracked out as the first one. Sorry. Guess I didn't get enough sugar in me. The plot actually goes somewhere! And that, my friends, is what makes me the happiest.

* * *

BIG NARRARATOR VOICE:

The last time we saw our hero, he was outside of an as of yet unnamed castle face to face with a very grumpy dragon.

Thanks narrarator guy. Let's see what kind of trouble we can get him into this week, shall we?

Ed: Yes, lets.

So, Roy and his four companions are outside staring at this dragon when Jean lights a cigarette and then screams back at it. Said dragon proceeds to run away in fear of getting lung cancer from second-hand smoke.

"Good job, trusty companion number one," Roy said as Kain blew up the exceedingly large gate that happened to be behind the large, scary dragon.

"Good job, trusty companion number one."

Jean: HEY!! I thought I was number one!

Roy: You just scared a dragon by lighting a cigarette. He blew stuff up. Come on, no comparison.

Kain blushes.

Jean simpers in a corner.

Ed laughs maniacally.

Jean: Shut up, princess.

Can I continue?

Ed & Jean: Yes, fine.

So, Roy sent Riza to scout ahead while he, Vato, Jean, and Kain came through the now exploded gate towards the large, scary looking castle, which happens to look even larger, the closer you get to it, like any good fear-inducing castle should.

"Oh my, that is a very large Castle of Doom©," Said Vato, feeling the need to say something to that people wouldn't forget that he existed.

Jean: And it's ALL YOUR FAULT!!

Hey now, that's not nice.

Jean: But, but… it is.

Ed: Continue please. This is actually almost getting interesting.

Thank you, I do my best.

So, Edward is still in a pink dress wondering about Roy, and Roy is charging this seemingly uninhabited castle of scary-ness.

Ed: Is that even a word?

Is now.

Ed: Right. rolls eyes

Shut it, princess.

As I was saying, Roy and troops were coming up to the castle, when they noticed that the front door, which was closed just moments before, was opened.

Jean then proceeded to yell "SCARY!"

Roy patted Jean on the shoulder.

"Have no fear, former trusty companion number one. I shall keep you from harm, for I am the incredibly brave, strong, and sexy Roy of the Mustangs!"

Jean just nodded at the vision of sheer awesomeness in from of him that is Roy.

Roy: Hells yes!

You're welcome.

As they walked inside, three hands popped of out nowhere and grabbed Vato, Roy, and Kain. Jean kept walking, noticing nothing.

Ed: GASP! They took Roy? Wait. Who is they?

I'm getting there.

Roy: Do you have to interrupt every time it gets good?

Jean: Yeah! Because I, Jean the Havoc, am now the star!!

No, it still stars Ed and Roy, who are both mysteriously off screen at the moment.

Ed and Roy: Right.

So, since he's one of the stars, let's see how the shrimp in pink is doing anyway.

Ed: Who are you calling an ant so small that a grain of sand looks like a mountain?!

Not you, who is the same height that I am, you over exaggerating drama queen.

Roy: Good comeback.

Thank you, I do my best.

So, we'll skip Ed since he isn't doing anything important at the moment.

Ed: Meanie.

Poopy-head.

Roy: Children!

Fine, I'm done being juvenile for the moment.

Roy: Not that it'll last long.

Hush, or bad things will happen to you.

Roy: Lips are zipped.

Good. I like him. points to Roy Let's see what's going on with him.

So, after the random arm that came out of nowhere grabbed him, Roy found himself in a room with a beautiful, large-breasted woman.

"Hello, gorgeous," the dark-haired ladies man said.

She smiled coyly and crooked at finger towards him.

"Yes, ma'am," Roy said as he began to shed clothes.

Oh, did I mention that she's naked?

Jean: He gets a naked chick with HUUUGE tracts… of land, and I'm in the entryway by myself? Not fair.

Done whining yet?

Jean: Not by a long shot.

Okay. Don't care.

Jean: Now who's the meanie?

Me. Deal with it.

Jean grumbles.

What was that?

Jean: Nothing.

Thought so.

So, while Roy was unceremoniously shedding clothing and all the fan-girls were staunching bloody noses, the random naked woman knocked him out with a blow to the face with one of her huge knockers.

Roy: But what a way to go!

Incredibly appropriate for you, I thought.

Anyway, let's see how Kain is faring with the random hand that dragged him off, shall we?

Kain: Surely.

My name isn't Shirley.

Kain: Riiight.

So, Kain found himself in a fight with a random kid who looked to be about 13 years old.

"What's going on?" Kain asked as he ducked and dodged attacks from all angles.

The boy kept attacking.

"You might want to stop kid, you won't like me when I'm angry."

More random attacks.

Kain clenched his fists and yelled as if constipated.

His hair then grew some and turned a bright blonde.

"KAME… HAME… **HA!**" Kain yelled as he threw out a massive energy blast.

The munchkin who was, and I mean WAS attacking, stopped.

"What the hell?! No one said I'd be fighting Son Goku!"

"You mean that monkey kid from Saiyuki?" Kain asked in confusion.

"No, the other who screams like he's constipated all the time."

"Oh, right."

"I'm outta here. Eff that."

"Alright. Bye kid. Well, I guess I better start looking for the other three," Kain said as he walked away.

* * *

I had to stop. It was starting to make sense, plus there's just no excuse for the extreme amount of bastardization that I've just done.

And, I have to leave you in suspense so that you'll keep reading. Right…?

Everything I bastardized (other than FMA): Trigun, One Piece, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Airplane, The Incredible Hulk, and Dragonball AND Saiyuki.


	3. In Which Roy Gets Naked

Title: Chapter 3 – In Which Roy Gets Naked

Summary: Roy gets naked. Not much else happens.

Disclaimer: Still not mine. Still! Isn't that just aggravating?

Note: Decided to write chapter three. Not sure if it's up to par with the rest of the cracky-ness, but I really did try. Promise.

To my reviewers:

Chapter 2:

anmbcuconnfan – I fixed it. You can even go and check!

SilentKiller1 – Well, he never did have the best sense of timing.

Chapter 1:

SilentKiller1 – YAY!!! I'm glad you think so.

QuitexSoul – I did! Again!

* * *

BIG NARRARATOR VOICE:

Last time in the Princess and the Flamer, Roy was knocked out by gigantic bazongas, Jean was sitting in the foyer by himself, and Kain went Super Saiyan. Now, let's see what happened to Vato, Riza, and if Roy will wake up!

Thanks big voice.

NO PROBLEM!

Jean: So, what about me?

What about you?

Jean: What's going to happen to me?

You'll see.

Roy: Haha!

Shut up. You're just going to make it worse on yourself.

Roy: Okay.

Soooo, let's see…

Roy's knocked out.

Roy: Check!

Jean's whining by himself.

Roy: Check!

Jean: Hey!

(Talking over Jean) Kain went Super Saiyan.

Roy and Kain: Check!

So, who's left?

Vato: Me… xraises handx

Oh, right.

Alright, now that I know where we are, on with the story!

Everyone: Okay!

Kain walks out of the room he was in, and goes toward where he thinks the foyer is. While walking, he hears groaning and clanking.

"What the…?"

Kain decided to investigate the clanking, so he walked into the room where the noise was coming from and got an eyeful.

Roy: Oh no you didn't.

Oh, but I did.

Roy: Nuh-uh.

Yep! Hey, we needed a little fan service to keep people interested. Take it as a complement that we're drooling over your hot body.

Roy: Well, I do work out some.

And it shows! So, can I keep going? It won't be graphic, promise. (I can't afford the rating.) And, I also promise to be fairly tasteful.

Roy: Yes, fine. Thank you.

Yay for nudity!

So, Kain walked into the room, saw a naked Roy shackled spread-eagle to a bed, blushed Super Red, and the proceeded to laugh. Hysterically.

Roy just happened to wake up then, because Jean walked in when he heard Kain's laughter.

"What's going… OH MY GOD! That's HUGE!"

Roy: Thank you.

Jean: I would say nothing of the sort.

You're talking about the bed. It's the size of two California kings. And they're huge to begin with.

Jean: Okay, I would say such a thing.

"Buh… Wha?" Roy slurred as he woke up.

Kain told Jean to shut up and help him get Roy out of the shackles, or go find Vato.

"Alright, I'll help," Jean said while moving to Roy's right wrist, while Kain moved to the left. They both managed to get the cuffs off in a minimal amount of time, and then Roy sat up, cursing.

"Does anything hurt," Kain asked as Roy stretched out sore shoulders.

"No, just stiff. How long have I been like this?"

Jean checked his watch. "Less than an hour, why?"

"Just wondering. Wait. WHERE ARE MY PANTS?!"

"I'm not sure, Roy. Wear my coat for now, until we can find you a pair."

"Damn. I hope I don't have to ride a horse like this. It would suck."

"Yes, it would, but we do what we must, when we must."

"Since when?"

"Since your pants were randomly stolen."

"Oh, right."

"So, Kain, where to now?"

"Let's see, Jean is with us, you're here… Oh! We need to find Vato."

"Alright."

So, Kain, Roy, and Jean left the room with the ridiculously large bed in order to find Vato.

* * *

Note: My apologies for this being shorter than normal, but I still haven't decided what to do with Vato. ARRGH. That kind of thing is aggravating, no? Also, this is going to be put on hold for just a little bit (maybe two weeks, at the most) while I finish up some other things. But, hopefully, when I come back to this (with a vengeance) I'll know what happened to Vato! 


	4. In Which Plot Progress Is Made

**Title:** The Princess and The Flamer  
**Chapter:** 4 – In Which Plot Progress Is Made  
**Rating:** PG-13. I'm a potty mouth.  
**Summary:** Stuff happens. Read to find out what. (har har i R not funneh.)  
**Word count: **810  
**Disclaimer:** Oy. Not mine. Didn't I go over this already?  
**Note:** Earlier than expected. Although, I totally paused in the middle of One Piece episode 21 to write this. You should feel loved.

**To those of you who reviewed:**  
0tree0: Please, keep reading! It really has nothing to do with FMA. Well, mostly nothing to do with FMA…  
QuitexSoul: I hope it's random enough for you.**  
**

* * *

**BIG NARRARATOR VOICE:**

**In the last chapter of The Princess and the Flamer, Roy was naked and fangirls drooled.**

That's it?

**Yep.**

Alright, if you say so.

On with chapter four.

"Vato? Vato, where are you?" Kain called as he, Jean, and Roy walked down a long corridor.

"VATO!" Jean yelled.

"MMRF!" The three heard from behind a large door.

"VATO! Are yo in there?" Roy yelled at the door.

BANG!

CRASH!

"HOLY SHIT! What the hell is going on?" Jean yelled as he jumped back.

"Hold on. Back up you two. Lemme try something," Roy said as he walked toward the door.

Kain and Jean nodded as they leaned on the opposite wall.

Roy closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself. Then, he snapped.

And nothing happened.

"Sorry, old habit."

Jean just looked at Roy as if he had lost his mind.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'OLD HABIT'!"

"Oh, nothing," Roy said with a wicked gleam in his eyes as he kicked the door down.

"Vato?" All three men said as they stormed the room.

"Mmrf!" Vato mmrfed as the large-breasted woman did unmentionable things. Like give him a pedicure.

Jean: YOU JUST SAID THEY WERE UNMENTIONABLES!

Well, I changed my mind. Plus, I wanted to make sure that everyone's mind wasn't in the gutter.

Ed: Fat chance of that happening. looks at Roy

Roy: What? looks sweet and innocent

Cut it out, doll. That look just doesn't work for you.

Roy: Ohthankgod. It's so hard to keep up.

I know darlin, I know.

Ed: Can we get back to the story now?

Oh, yeah, sure.

So, Roy flashed the large-breasted woman who still has no name to distract her, while Kain and Jean untied Vato.

Oh. Wait. That doesn't make sense. I never explained that he was tied up and gagged in the first place, did I?

Ed & Jean: NO!

Oh well. Just go with it. He was… because… uhh… she needed him to sit still and be quiet while she subjected him to girly torture.

Ed: Riiight.

Yep! That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Ed: …

OKAY! On with the chapter. Right? Right.

So, yeah, Kain and Jean are freeing Vato from the tortures of pink nail polish, Roy distracts a large-breasted woman, and all is well with the world.

Ed: No it's NOT!

Why not?

Ed: What about Prince Alphonse?

What about him?

Ed: Are they going to rescue him or what?

I'm getting there, so shut up chibi.

Ed: Oh no you didn't.

Oh, but I think I did. reads upxYep, I did.

Ed: fumes with anger WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT THEY COULD LIVE IN YOUR GIGANTIC SHOES!

No you, darlin.

Ed: Oh.

Can I keep going now?

Roy: Yes, please. Did you note the exasperation in my voice?

Yep.

Roy: Thank you.

So, while the three companions ran away, well, sauntered quickly in Roy's case, from the makeshift beauty parlor from hell, Riza had found a note from Prince Alphonse. But, being a bird, she didn't know that, because she couldn't read it. But, being a smart bird, she deemed it important, so she screeched really loudly for her master.

Ed: That line is just so wrong on so many levels.

What, that I referred to Roy as someone's master?

Roy: Sounds good to me.

Ed: That's just… wrong.

Roy: Jealous?

Yes.

Roy: pats head It's alright. smile of smexiness

faints and drools

Ten minutes later, after the author/storyteller/bard is revived…

So, where was I?

Kain: Riza found the note from Prince Alphonse.

Oh, gotcha.

"That sounds like… RIZA!" Roy yelled as he ran for the nearest set of stairs that just happened to be ten feet in front of him.

"Riza?" Jean and Kain asked as they followed.

"She's probably found the Prince!"

"Oh. YAY!"

And then there was running to the top of the tallest tower, and Roy found Riza.

"Riza? Where is he?"

She responded by picking up the note that Prince Alphonse left.

Roy picked up the note and read it, then laughed hysterically.

"Roy? What is it?" Kain asked.

Roy just handed the letter to Kain.

And it went a little something like this…

_To whomever finds this,_

_I decided to take matters into my own hands, and I left this room and fought my way out of this tower and castle. I am now on my back home, so I don't need rescuing._

_Thank you anyway,_

_Prince Alphonse_

"Are you serious?" Jean asked as Kain folded the letter back up.

"It seems so," Vato said.

Roy was still laughing hysterically.

"So… um… what do we do now?"

Roy immediately became serious again.

"We find him and bring him back to Edward so we can take all the credit for ourselves."

---

Like? Hate? Indifferent? Me too.

Oh, ten points if you get the quote.


	5. In Which Miniskirts Are Mentioned

**Title:** The Princess and The Flamer  
**Chapter:** 5 – In Which Miniskirts Are Mentioned  
**Rating:** PG-13. Just because.  
**Summary:** Not much happens.  
**Word count:** 434  
**Disclaimer:** Still not mine! Dammit.  
**Note:**HOLY CRAP! Two in as many days?! AMAZING! Sorry this one is so short. I felt we kind of needed an interlude. And sadly, it might be a few chapters long…

**To those of you who reviewed:**  
goldenlilies – Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

* * *

Roy, Jean, Kain, and Vato leave the castle almost the way they found it. As long as you ignore the blown up gate, hyperventilating dragon, and missing hostage prince. Yeah, they figured that was as close as it was going to get. 

"Now, let's hurry." Roy said as they rode away on their trusty steeds.

"Why, so we can get back to pretty little Edo-chan?" Jean asked.

"No, Jean. Although, it is a good excuse. My real reason is so they don't get our names and addresses so they can't send us the repair bill for the castle, and the therapy bill for the dragon."

"Oh. Well, that works too."

Kain and Vato rode in silence, wondering how they got stuck together with the other two.

_Oh, right, because Roy is an egomaniac and a self-proclaimed sex god, and someone has to deflate his head every once in a while_, Kain thought.

Vato just went with Roy because it felt right.

Ed: It felt right? Whoa. I thought that wasn't this kid of story.

It isn't. Haven't you ever been with a person and it just felt natural to be with them?

Ed: Other than Al? Nope. Not when it comes to a total stranger. But anyway, I have a gripe.

What's new about that?

Ed: I'm going to ignore that. Why does it have to be 'Roy of the Mustangs'? I'm actually quite surprised that there haven't been any 'hung like a horse' jokes.

Didn't occur to me.

Ed: Really? You? The queen pervert?

Yep. You got that right. I am the queen perv. Oops. Wait. Did I just admit that in writing?

Ed: rolls on the floor laughing Yes, you did!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHHHAHA somehow gets stepped on while rolling on the floor laughing

Oops. But, anyway, I do amuse myself thinking of the terrible things I could do to you.

Ed: Worse than a pink dress?

Translucent pink miniskirt.

Roy: Make it dark blue and you have a deal.

I'll think about it.

Roy: YES!!!

Why are you so excited? I didn't say yes.

Roy: You also didn't say no. Plus, you know you want to see Ed in a mini.

Hmm… good point.

Can I keep going with some plot progression?

Roy: But… miniskirt…

Ya'll have to get back to Ed before you can even see him anyway.

Roy: True dat.

So, plot progression? All in favor?

Roy, Kain, Vato, and Jean: AYE!

All opposed?

Ed: NAY! NAY! NO! No, no, no! Idon'twantamini!!!

Too bad. Outvoted.

Ed: But, you always said this was a dictatorship...

Well, sometimes it's nice to know my subject's opinions.

* * *

So, on that note, Ed in a miniskirt? Let me know.  
Oh, and just to let you know, I won't even start writing chapter 6 until someone gives me an opinion. 


	6. In Which Ed Wears A Miniskirt

Title: Chapter 6 – In Which Ed Wears A Miniskirt

Summary: Chock full of lemon.

Disclaimer: Do I really have to explain that I don't own any of the characters mentioned within?

Note: Remember, this is AU, which means that I can change their ages as I see fit. Right? Right. So, Ed is 18, and Roy is early to mid twenties. Also, Ed has his arm & leg. Super AU, I know.

Oh, and, uh, this is it. It's now going to be filed under "Complete".

To my reviewers:

Lady Friday – I try my best to be funneh. It's not so much here…

Jen the Idiot – Here's the win.

krazy-wit-a-k - accepts cupcake gratefully FUEL!!

BIG NARRARATOR VOICE:

In the last chapter of The Princess and the Flamer, Roy and the gang ran away with their tails between their legs…

Roy & Jean: DID NOT!

BNV: And Kit & Roy discussed the merits of Ed in a miniskirt.

Yes, we did.

Roy: And he will be.

Ed: Do I get a choice in this at all?

Nope.

Ed: Damn.

So, BNV, was that it?

BNV: Yep.

Sweet. On with chapter 6.

Roy and the three musketeers came back to Ed's castle unscathed.

Jean: Because you couldn't think of anything cool to happen.

Hush. They don't need to know that.

So, they're back at Ed's castle. Without Prince Alphonse.

Edward met all four of them in the dining hall to thank them.

Ed: FOR WHAT?! They didn't do anything.

Their efforts. Just be glad I'm not making you thank Roy privately.

Roy: Please?

I'll try.

Roy: SWEET!

With Prince Alphonse at his side, Princess Edward thanked Roy, Jean, Vato, and Kain.

"For your efforts, I shall knight you all, simply because you went through many hardships and tried your hardest. Especially you, Vato the Fallman. I'm incredibly sorry that you had to endure a manicure and almost a pedicure."

"Yes, thank you," said Prince Alphonse. "Your heroics were greatly appreciated, but I couldn't wait for rescue any longer. The mad naked woman kept trying to put me in dresses, while it is obvious that brother looks much better in them that I ever could."

"Al!"

"I'm sorry brother, but it's the truth. Right, Roy?"

Roy just snickered while Edward blushed.

"Anyway, thank you, all of you. We'll have the official ceremony tomorrow at dawn."

Roy just nodded and walked away.

Ed looked flabbergasted.

"Go after him, brother," Prince Alphonse whispered in the princess' ear.

With a little shove from his caring broher, Edward was walking after Roy.

"Roy!" Edward said as soon as he got into the main hall.

"Out here, Princess." Ed heard from the courtyard.

"Why are you out here? Why aren't you inside feasting in honor of the return of my brother?"

"I wanted to talk to you privately."

"About what," Edward asked indignantly.

"You."

"What about me?"

"How you're going to thank me."

"I just said that I was going to knight you in thanks."

"Ehh… That's nice." Roy started walking toward Edward. "But, I was thinking of something a little more… personal. You know what I mean, Princess?"

"Umm…" The smaller man's back hit the wall. "No, I don't think so…"

Roy moved so he could whisper in Ed's ear. "Let me come into your chambers tonight. And wear your little blue miniskirt." Roy kissed the smaller man under his ear, waiting for a response.

Edward just sputtered. "You… We... But…"

"Sshhh…" Roy licked the shell of Ed's ear.

A gasp is barely muffled. "Wait. You want to…"

"Have lots of hot, kinky sex with you? Yes."

Ed looked up at Roy and blushed.

"I wasn't going to put it like that," he whispered.

"Oh really? Well, I like it the way I said it. Shouldn't you be getting back to your feast?"

Ed straightened. "The same could be said for you, you know. I had this feast prepared specifically for your return."

"Miss me that much?"

"Yes. I mean, WHAT?! No!"

"Too late," Roy said while he laughed. "Ehh, it's okay. I missed you too, little one."

He kissed Ed full on the lips. "And I'll show you how much I missed you later."

Another soft kiss.

"I'm not little," Ed murmured against Roy's lips.

A third kiss, this one a little deeper.

"You're right. You're not little," Roy said as he pulled away. Ed looked excited that for once someone didn't call him small, or little or shrimpy or…

"You're pocket sized."

Edward seethed. "Bastard," he murmured under his breath. That was the next one on his list.

"Now get on back to your feast."

"Since when did I listen to you?"

"If you don't get back, I'm not going to stop."

Ed blushed. Roy physically turned Edward back toward the dining hall. "Go on. I'll be in there shortly." Roy said while he smacked Ed on the ass.

Ed turned around and gave him a dirty look.

"You really want to get rid of me? Fine, I'm gone." Ed stomped off in a (false) huff.

Roy followed him silently. "I'm still coming to see you later," the older man whispered in Edward's ear while leaning over him.

Edward eeped and scurried back to the dining hall as fast as possible.

Roy came back to the dining hall a few minutes later, looking thoughtful.

Jean leaned over to talk to Roy. "What's going on? Why did you walk out?"

"I had to get some answers."

"Did you?"

"Yep."

"What were your questions," Jean asked, prying.

"Can't tell you. I'd have to kill you." Roy winked at his friend.

"Okay, got it boss."

After all the food was finished and (almost) all the merriment was made, everyone started to drift off to bed one at a time, until only Prince Alphonse and Roy were left.

"Thank you again, Roy."

Roy looked up from his tankard. "Hmm? Oh, you're welcome. I don't blame you for getting out of there when you did. That woman was crazy."

"Yeah, she tried to give me manicures and pedicures constantly." The little prince shivered in disgust at the memory.

"Wow. That sucks. But, it's been a long time since I've seen a bath or a bed, so I'm going to climb into the former, and try to sleep in the latter. So, goodnight."

"That sounds like a good idea, I'll walk with you."

"Alright."

The two men arrived at Prince Alphonse's room first, and Roy bid him goodnight at the door.

The dark-haired man was torn between getting a bath in his room, or going into Edward's room and sharing one with him. After a moment's deliberation, he made his choice.

XxX

A soft knock rang on Edward's door.

"It's me, Princess. Your brave knight in shining armor."

The door opened quickly and Roy was yanked inside.

"Did anyone see you? What d you think you're doing, being that loud?!"

Ed poked his head out the door and looked down both ends of the hall.

No one there.

Relief washed over our favorite chibi.

Roy looked at Edward, and his eyes nearly bulged out of head.

Edward was dressed in a dark blue, semi-transparent miniskirt, with a white wife beater for a top.

_Forget the bath. We'll get one later._

Roy removed his traveling cloak and over shirt before Edward had the chance to turn around. The smaller man was still facing the door, with both hands on it, as if that would prevent anyone from finding out what was about to happen.

"Edward," Roy said softly. "Turn around for me."

The blonde man looked at the other with wide, scared eyes.

"Edward, there's nothing to be scared of."

Edward turned, and Roy barely stifled a moan.

"What? Is there something wrong?"

Roy began to pull off his shoes.

"No, absolutely nothing. You look simply… marvelous. There's really no other way to put it. Come here."

Edward slowly walked toward Roy, and when he was within reach, the older man grabbed him and thrust their bodies together. Roy kissed Edward fiercely to the point where lips were bitten, and blood was barely tasted.

"Are you sure about this," Roy asked the panting man in front of him.

A gasp came out of the smaller man when Roy licked up the side of his neck.

"Yes…"

"Yes what?" Roy bit down on an earlobe.

"Yes, I want this."

XxX

Ed woke up a bit later when he felt his feet being placed in water.

"No, I don't want to go swimming with the aliens, Al. They're creepy," Ed mumbled in a half-sleep.

Roy laughed so hard, he almost dropped the small blonde.

He recovered and just ended up clutching his small lover tighter.

"Edward, wake up, You're not going swimming," Roy said as he placed the rest of Edward in the bathtub.

"Huh? Wha…?"

"We need to get a bath."

"We…" Edward actually woke up and looked at himself and the man standing outside of the bathtub, then he proceeded to blush a very bright red.

"Good. You're actually awake now. Lean forward, and let me sit behind you so I can wash your back."

Edward scooted forward to allow Roy room in the tub. Roy started scrubbing Ed's back, and asked if he enjoyed himself earlier.

"Yeah…" Edward said sheepishly.

"I'm glad."

"Did you?"

"Did I what," Roy asked.

"Enjoy… being… in me." Ed softly trailed off.

Roy leaned forward to whisper in the smaller man's ear. "Just thinking about it is getting me hard again."

Edward's eyes almost bulged out of his head. "Are you serious," he whispered.

"Yes, but I don't want to hurt you."

"Oh. Thank you."

Roy gently guided the younger man's jaw around for a soft kiss, then started washing his chest in rough circles.

"Mmm… That feels so good." Edward said as he leaned back and rubbed himself against Roy's chest like a cat.

Roy started to move his hand below the water line to wash Ed's belly, and the younger man began to laugh. "Hey! That tickles!"

Roy chuckled. "You're such a nut. Go lean against the other side of the tub."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

Edward did as he was told, like the good little uke that he is. Roy pulled Edward's leg up and propped it up on the ledge of the tub. He gently washed Ed's foot and then his leg. Roy replaced the leg in the water, then performed the same actions on the other.

Edward just looked astonished at the tenderness that the normally gruff and irritating man was showing him.

"You're being awfully nice…" Edward said suspiciously.

Roy chuckled. "Is that a problem?"

"No, just odd. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"You'll see."

Roy crawled towards Edward and whispered in his ear.

"My turn."

"Huh?"

"I can't reach my back. It's my turn."

Ed snorted. "Fine. Turn around."

Roy turned around with a shit-eating grin on his face.

XxX

As Edward promised, at dawn, everyone was knighted.

As the crowd was about to disperse, Roy spoke up.

"Can everyone wait for a moment?"

All present froze in their tracks. Roy locked eyes with Prince Alphonse, and both grinned. Edward just looked confused.

"Roy, what is this about?"

Roy got down on one knee and held the little Princess' hand.

"Princess Edward of the Elric clan, will you marry me?"

"WHAT?!"

"I just asked you to marry me."

"You want me to be your BRIDE?!"

"Well, yes, that's the general idea."

Ed: Wait. WHAT?!

Yep.

Ed: I. HATE. YOU.

Love you too, puppy.

"I asked your brother last night, and he consented."

"AL!"

"I think the two of you are a good match."

"WHAT?! I can't believe you're in on this… This… MADNESS! Have you lost your mind? BOTH of you?"

"Ehh… probably have, wanting to marry a shrimp in a dress."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT THEY ARE THE SIZE OF A BEAN," Edward screamed.

"In a dress."

"Are you _trying_ to make me say no?"

"No. Wait. You're going to say yes?"

"Well, maybe not, after that comment."

"Please say yes, Edward. I love you."

Edward got down to Roy's level, which isn't hard since he's a munchkin.

Ed: YOU'RE THE SAME HEIGHT I AM!! YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK!

Oh, but I can still make fun of you. Anyway…

Edward got down to Roy's level and whispered in his ear. "Of course I'll say yes, I love you too, you big flaming dolt." Then Edward kissed him on the cheek and walked away.

Roy stood back up and looked stunned.

"What did he say," asked Jean, looking concerned at Roy's expression.

"He said yes," Roy said softly.

"He did?"

"Yeah…"

"Congratulations!" Jean walked over to Roy and clapped him on the back, then went off in search of some drinks for an engagement party.

A bit later, after Roy got over his shock, Prince Alphonse came over to Roy.

"Welcome to the family."

"Shouldn't you say that at the wedding," Roy asked.

"You just had it."

"Huh?"

"We don't use priests around here. Since you asked me and I consented, and then asked him and he consented, and you professed your love of him in front of God and witnesses, you're married. Now go get your new bride."

Roy just looked confused and went off in search of his new princess.

The End.

Ed: No, that's not the end.

Yes, it is.

Ed: Isn't there a divorce?

Al: We don't have those either.

Roy: HAHA! You're stuck with me.

Ed: Still hate you. Lots.

Why?

Ed: You made me the uke.

That was SUCH an obvious choice, because, well, you are.

Ed: Was the miniskirt really necessary?

Yes, in fact, it was.

Roy: Yep.

We had our Roy fanservice, so we had to get our Ed fanservice. Now, are all of your questions answered?

Ed: No. Where did Roy get pants from?

You gave them to him when he arrived back at the castle.

Roy: Because when I'm dining with friends, I need pants.

Ed: I'm not even going to try to understand what that means.

Good idea, because I got nothing. You done now?

Ed: Yep.

Everyone else?

Roy, Jean, Kain, Vato, and Al: Yep.

Good.

BIG NARRARATOR VOICE: Thus ending the epic comi-tragi-romance that was The Princess and The Flamer. Don't forget to drop your glasses in the bins as you exit, and thank you for your patronage.

**THE END**


	7. In Which There Is A Chunk of An Epilogue

The Princess and the Flamer

Epilogue – Part 1

Note: I'm a lazy bastard. Master of Procrastinaton.

* * *

Big Narrarator Voice:

In the last chapter of The Princess and the Flamer, Roy, Jean, Kain, and Vato all made it back to the castle.

Prince Alphonse was already there, and a banquet was readied in everyone's honor.

A bit later, some smut ensued, then Roy & Ed got married.

That it?

BNV: Yep.

Really?

BNV: Yes, really.

Hey now, don't look at me in that tone of voice. I made you, I can just as well un-make you.

Ed: Uh, well, about that…

Roy: Just leave her to her delusions, Ed. It's safer.

Ed: True.

Roy: So, Kit, I noticed that you finally admitted that you're lazy.

Yeah, I did. I must be hanging around you too much.

Roy: That's mean, and I resent that comment. I've never actually admitted that I'm lazy.

No, you just have everyone else say it for you.

Roy: That's just good delegation.

Fine, you want delegation? You got it. Points at Roy and Edward You two get to tell the epilogue.

Ed: Sputters.

Roy: raises eyebrow Is there smut?

No.

Roy: No deal.

You get to pick on Vato, Kain, and Havoc.

Roy: Ed too.

I though that went unsaid.

Roy: How are we supposed to do this?

Don't worry, I have notes. Hands Roy and Ed notes

Ed: These are a bit… sparse.

death glare Deal with it. You two have imaginations, use them. Or do you want me to change up the notes a bit, for Roy's favor?

Roy: Wait a minute. It looks like you already had this planned.

Nope. Well… kinda. I was just going to get Al to help me originally, but then you brought this upon yourselves.

Ed: What about me?

Do you really have to ask? Ok, fine. Give me the notes, Ed. Just top stop looking at me so pitifully.

Ed: YAY! It worked!

Kit & Roy: You're so dead meat.

Roy: So, how do you want to do this?

I'll start, just tap me when you think of something.

Roy: grins

Something not smutty, please.

Roy: pouts

whispers in Roy's ear about things that will come to pass later

Roy: Okay, got it. Nods Sounds good.

Ed: What are you two planning?

Your doom.

Havoc: As much as I love listening to the three of you, are you ever going to get to the story?

Alright, fine.

Here we go.

Now.

Hmm… got anything, Roy?

Roy: Nope.

Damn. Me neither. Wow, this totally looks bad for me.

Got i… nevermind. sulks

Roy: Writer's block sucks, eh?

You have no idea.

GOT IT! Now, where are my cigarettes? Havoc?!

Havoc: Nope.

Haha, they were under my leg. I knew that. Sorry, its just habit to blame you.

Havoc: It's alright, since it usually is me.

I KNEW IT!

Havoc: Did I just admit that out loud?

Yep.

Havoc: Damn. Alright, I'm turning off the music. It's distracting you.

NOOO!! That's mean! lunges and tackles Havoc to stop him

Roy: Wow, that's the fastest I've ever seen her move when cigarettes weren't involved.

Ed: nods in disbelief She never moves that fast, unless she's driving. And even then she's just sitting still, and driving really scary.

Kain: Yeah, but she's still not as scary as Falman.

Roy: True. I've only ever had him drive for me once.

Kain: Nuh-uh.

Roy: Yep, its true.

Kain: Well, I don't blame you. It's scary when he drives. No music, follows all the laws, doesn't even call out for points when he's about to hit someone.

Roy: Because he never is about to hit someone!

Kain: AND, he does the exact speed limit.

Vato: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Kain: Well, whem you're used to a crazy woman's driving, its slightly nerve-wracking…

Havoc: FINE! I won't turn off the music, just let go of the death grip your teeth have on my arm!

Pomise?

Havoc: looks to Roy for translation

Roy: How would I know?

Havoc: You hang out with her enough, and I figure that she talks with food in her mouth enough that you'd know.

POMISE?!

Havoc: lightbulb Oh, yes, I promise.

Thank you. Now, let me see your arm.

Havoc: clutching his arm to his chest No, thank you, I'm fine.

Did I break skin?

Havoc: No.

Damn. I'll try harder next time.

Roy: Not that I'm complaining or anything, but I thought you said no smut.

If you think that was smut, you have another thing coming.

Roy: I know it wasn't, but it sounded like it was heading there.

Meh. thinks Okay, you got me there. Can we actually start now? Oh, and Havoc?

Havoc: Hmm?

I'll compromise with you. You can turn it down, but not too much, because it's Clapton.

Havoc: Thank you.

So, can I start now? Before my idea of starting awesomeness goes POOF!

All: YES!

YAY!!

Prince Alphonse had a grand feast, in fact, the grandest of all grand feasts in memory, prepared for his brother, and his new brother-in-law. Everyone in the kingdom was invited, but that wasn't that many people, since the castle was in the middle of the forest, in the middle of nowhere. So, Prince Alphonse, being the wonderful and kind and generous prince that he is, even invited his captors.

Roy: Sucking up much?

Hell no. It's just the truth.

Anyway, the large-breasted woman, who's name was found out after some prodding, showed up, and actually had clothes on, much to everyone's pleasure.

"Thank you all for coming to the wedding reception for my brother Edward, and his new husband, Roy of the Mustangs," the prince said as he stood up to make a toast. "May they have many happy years to come." Everyone yelled "CHEERS!" and drank to his toast.

Roy: Edward and his incredibly handsome husband…

Roy.

Roy: What?!

Be good.

Roy: smirks I am…

raises eyebrow

Roy: Fine. You're a meanie. Anyway, Edward and Roy… It's weird talking about myself in the third person!

rolls eyes No, you're weird. I do it all the time. But, ANYWAY! Train of thought… going wrong way… Focus, Roy, FOCUS!

Roy: Right. Roy and Edward graciously accepted the toast, and together cut the cake that was in front of them.

Al: While the were cutting the cake, Prince Alphonse starting playing "Pour Some Sugar on Me". Roy and Ed promptly glared at the prince.

Roy: Roy shoved Edward's piece in the smaller man's mouth, smearing icing everywhere.

Ed: Can I pipe in real quick?

Sure darlin, I recognize that evil glint in your eye.

Ed: Heh, thanks. Edward gently placed his piece of cake in Roy's mouth, tilting it up at just the right moment so that it got icing all over Roy's nose. Edward leaned forward and sweetly licked off the icing, all the while grinning evilly.

All done?

Ed: Yep.

Good job. I couldn't have done it better myself.

Ed: Thanks!

Now, Roy, quit seething. Do you want _me_ to contine, or are you going to remember that this isn't a one-upmanship contest?

Roy: I'll… be good.

Alright. You may continue.

Roy: Roy pulled Edward in for a post-cake kiss, and licked all the icing off the smaller man's face. "I'll get you back for this later," said the unbelievably sexy darker-haired man.

Ed: "We'll see who will get who back later, you bastard," said the adorable blonde man.

Again, nicely done, Edward.

Ed: blushes It just felt natural.

It sounded it. Now, its my turn again.

Prince Alphonse motioned over one of the servants to cut the rest of the cake, while Edward and Roy went around the room, graciously thanking everyone for attending.

After all the cake was passed around and eaten, the dancing began. The first song that Edward and Roy danced to as a married couple was "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.

After the song was over, Riza the hawk landed on Prince Alphonse's shoulder. The prince offered the hawk his hand.

"I never got to properly thank you," Alphonse said as she gave her a small chunk of cake. Riza bobbed her head in thanks, and the young man gave her a second piece.

"I won't tell if you won't," Alphonse said as he kissed the top of the bird's head. Then, a naked young woman was on the ground at his feet. Alphonse hurriedly took off his jacket to cover the woman up, and looked for a servant. Alphonse looked over at his brother dancing with his new husband, and also saw Sein, the woman who gave manicures and was usually showing off her huge endowments.

Al: Alphonse was happy to see that his brother was happy, but he had much more pressing matters to take care of.

Thank you. I got slightly sidetracked.

Al: I noticed, and you're very welcome. Riza the now-human, looked up at the prince, looked down at herself, and made a small noise of surprise that wasn't unlike a squeak.

"Am I really human again," she asked.

"Yes, you are," Prince Alphonse told her. "Now, can we get some clothes on you?"

"Yes, please!"

"Good. Follow Betty, and she'll find an appropriate dress for you to wear."

"Thank you, Prince Alphonse."

"You're quite welcome, as long as I can have a dance with you when you return."

"Of course," Riza said while Betty the maid tugged on her arm.

Alphonse pulled Edward off to the side when he finished dancing for the moment.

Ed: "Who was that naked woman?!"

Roy: "Yeah, she was…"

Ed: "Don't EVEN go there."

Roy: "Lips zipped."

Ed: "Thank you."

Al: "Well, Roy, I hate to tell you, but I that naked woman was, uh… Riza."

Roy: "My hawk? My TRUSTY hawk?"

Ed: "You have a hawk that isn't trusty?"

Roy: "Yeah, but we don't talk about him…"

Al: "Well, anyway, Riza is now human. And, if it doesn't bother you, I'd like to dance with her."

Roy: "Go for it. She's a hawk, after all."

Al: "No! She's human!"

Roy: "If you say so."

Al: "Thank you, Roy. I appreciate this."

Roy: "Hey, it's the least I can do. I get to BLEEP your brother later."

Edward turned dark crimson, and Alphonse turned paper white.

Ed: You better… Oh… eyebrow twitches

Al: …

Ed: I cannot believe that he'd say that. Shock. And. Awe.

Roy: grins By the way, fill in the blank with whatever you think sounds best.

Good one! high-fives Roy

Roy: Thanks. It's always fun to embarrass the pipsqueak.

* * *

NOTE: Sorry that I'm breaking this off here, but I actually leave for boot camp tomorrow (okay, 10 hours from now…) So, well… I'm hoping to do this in thirds. There's no actual way that I'll be able to finish this before I have to leave (in 10 hours), so here's some, and I'll do my best to get more to you in the next two months!


	8. In Which The Epilogue is Finished

Epilogue Part 2:

Or, I've been watching Vic Mignogna videos on YouTube and got inspired.  
Or, I suck.  
Summary: Things are wrapped up. Finally.  
Disclaimer: Still not mine. Still! Isn't that just aggravating?  
Note: So after it's been lost, found, murdered, brought back to life, and then murdered again, here's the last part of the Princess and the Flamer. I'm so not proud of myself.

* * *

So… Where'd we leave off? It's been a while.

Big Narrarator Voice: Uhh, read back a few pages. I don't even know.

Alright! In the last episode of the Princess and the Flamer, Roy and Ed smeared icing on each other, and Riza turned out to be human.

BNV: Roy also embarrassed Edward, and Al almost asked Roy to dance.

What? Oh. Heh. I'll explain that slip-up a bit later.

Anyway, on to part 2!

Roy: Finally. We've been sitting here for a month and a half waiting. Whoever was reading this has probably lost total interest.

God, I hope not. That's why I'm writing this in the first place.

Havoc snorts. Wait. I smell menthol cigarettes. Is she back?

In the flesh, baby!

Ed: Wow, you've been watching too much Prince of Tennis lately.

Can you tell?

Ed: Take that racket away from her!!

BURNING!!

Ed: Crap. All is lost.

Havoc: Nope. Watch this. Oy! Kit! Carton!

WHAT?! WHERE?!

Ed: Good job. Oh, nevermind. Now she's in the corner yelling obscenities because she thinks she ripped a stitch.

Kain: On her shirt? Pants? I think I'm lost.

Roy: In her finger. There's four, well, three and a half stitches in her left index finger.

Flicking cigarettes while writing HURTS! Damn you Havoc, for indulging my habit!

Havoc: Mine too.

Oh. Right. I knew that. It's swollen and it HURTS!

Ed: Wimp.

Can it, munchkin.

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SOMEONE SO SHORT THAT WHEN THEY TRIED OUT FOR A MUNCHKINLANDER IN THE WIZARD OF OZ THEY WERE REJECTED BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO SHORT?!

Roy: Wow.

Yeah. That was… interesting. Just think, you're married to that.

Roy: Don't remind me.

Al: Haha! Sucks to me you.

You're related to it.

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING IT?!

Uhh… you.

Ed blinks. I can't even think of something to yell. I'm that pissed off.

Now that we've all had our random moments, can we proceed?

Falman: No.

Okay, now that we've really all been random, can we proceed?

Wait.

Roy: Did Vato just make a joke?

I think so, but I haven't fully comprehended it yet, but it's quite possible. PAIN!! SUFFERING!!

Havoc: What did you do this time?

I keep wiggling my finger so my muscles won't atrophy, but it HURTS!!

Ed: Quit whining. Have you ever had automail attached?

No thanks.

Ed: Thought so.

Havoc: Quit singing along.

I haven't started yet!

Havoc: I can see it in your eyes.

Damn. Too bad. No.

Havoc: And quit having squeegasms.

NEVAR!!

Hey. Wait. What happened to my PLOT?!

Roy: You threw it out the window.

NO!! Roy, grab your notes! We need to get this show on the road!

Ed: But, we're sitting on your deck.

Figure of speech.

Ed: Oh.

So, lemme see. Al is dancing with Riza, Roy is astounded, Ed is… where is Ed? Right. Ed is blushing. So… hmm…

"Kain of the Feuries, may I have this dance?"

"Vato, did you just ask me to dance," Kain asked, confused.

"Yes."

"I'd be honored."

While Kain and Vato dance, Jean wanders around, randomly grazing the food that is set out, smoking, and being generally grumpy.

"Excuse-moi, monsieur," he heard someone say behind him.

"Yes," he says as he turns around. "Holy crap! It's you!"

"Oui, monsieur. Eet ees I, Sein."

"You're the crazy naked lady!"

"Wiz zee dragon."

"With the dragon!"

"Anywayz, I waz 'oping zat you would dance wiz me," Sein said.

"Uhh…"

Roy: Good composure, Havoc.

Havoc: Can it, old man! Kitsune! Less singing and dancing, more story telling!

But… After Midnight…

Havoc: You ALWAYS do this to me.

Meh. Full Metal Dance Party!

Havoc: … No.

Please?

Roy: It's amusing, but I'm with him. No. Edward, quit dancing.

Ed: Damn. Wait. Since when did I listen to your orders?

Roy: Since always. Now be a good dog, and sit.

Ed: I oughta kick your ass for that.

But you won't.

Ed: Why not?

That would cause a delay.

Ed: Who are you to say something about delays?! You're the main cause of them!!

But, I'm allowed to.

Ed: Since when? What?!

Since always, because I said so. Now, we're losing readers, so let's progress.

"Zis ees when you say yes," Sein told Jean.

"Yes! Of course! I just thought that, ya know, you liked Roy or whatever…"

"Why would you sink zat," Sein asked.

"You had him tied up. Naked."

"I only do zat to people zat I do not like."

"Oh. Well than. Shall we," Jean asked as he extended his arm to the woman next to him.

"Merci, monsier… Eh… I never deed get your name," Sein said as she accepted his arm.

"Jean the Havoc, ma'am, at your service."

"Eet ees nice to meet you, Jean zee 'avoc."

"Nice to meet you too, Sein."

They made their way to the dance floor together just as "Wonderwall" by Oasis came over the speakers.

"Riza, you would you dance with me," Prince Alphonse asked the newly-turned woman.

"Umm… I'm now sure I remember how…" she said, blushing.

"I'LL SHOW YOU! DANCING IS A TALENT PASSED DOWN IN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS!"

"Alex! You made it! I'm so glad!" Prince Alphonse ran over to the large man and gave him a hug around his middle.

Roy: Now, if we're talking about the same person…

Which we are.

Roy: Large doesn't even begin to cover it.

How about "man-shaped mountain of muscle"?

Ed: That's about right.

Roy: Then again, compared to you, everyone looks like a mountain.

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT EVEN A GNAT LOOKS LIKE AN ELEPANT?!

Roy whistles and looks away.

Ed: Oh, you bastard. Why I oughta…

Now, now boys. This is not the time for brawling.

Havoc: When is?

Later.

Havoc: Later when?

I don't know! Now I've forgotten where I was.

Al: I just glomped Armstrong fangirlishly.

Oh, right.

So, Al, being the good public relations mined prince that he is, made introductions and showed Alex where the new bride and groom were hiding.

"Now, Miss Riza, may I finally have that dance with you before we're interrupted again?"

"Of course, Prince Alphonse, I would be delighted."

As they finished dancing, they heard a voice yell from the DJ booth, "What's with all these slow songs? It's time for the slideshow!!"

Click.

"Here's a picture of my darling Elicia!"

Click.

"Another!"

"Who is that," Edward yelled.

Roy just hung his head in shame and wondered who put him in charge of the slideshow.

Roy: Then again, aren't we in medieval times? How did we get electricity?

Minor detail. Just over look it.

Roy: Right.

"MAES!"

"Yeees…"

"Can we PLEASE get on with this? I do have more important people to do later."

"Oh, right. Look quickly at my adorable daughter!"

Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick (x a billion)

"Aaaand we're back to the beginning. Oh. Right. This isn't the right spool. Let me see here… Nope, still Elicia. Nope, Elicia. Does anyone want to see our trip to the beach?"

"MAES!"

"Alright. Here we go. Here's Roy going off to find Prince Alponse."

Click.

"Here's Princess Edward crying over his lost love."

"I WASN'T CRYING! There was a bug in my eye."

"Here's Roy thinking dirty thoughts…"

"HE'S ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING DIRTY!"

"Only about you, my Princess."

"Here's Roy and… Oh, I'll go by these next few quickly. AVERT YOUR EYES, ELICIA!"

"Okay. We're done," Roy said as he stood up.

"No, no, no! It's time for the bouquet toss," Maes said enthusiastically. "And I have just he right music!"

The opening bass line of "Another One Bites the Dust" came over the speakers.

"No, he just didn't," Edward mumbled to himself as he made his way to theback of the dance floor.

"Alright, I need all the ladies to come up here, this bouquet won't catch itself," Maes said as Roy made his way over to the DJ booth to talk to Maes about getting copies of those last few pictures.

Sein, Riza, Winry,

Ed: Where the hell did that wrench-wielding maniac come from?!

I needed more women.

Roy: Worst. Party. Ever. Only three women?

Eeh… I'll use the younger maids to fill in.

Ed: You're so lazy.

Nope. Delegation at it's best.

Roy: You're taking the meaning of delegation to another level.

So, some of the younger maids filled in so it would look like a fuller crowd, and DJ Maes started the countdown to toss.

"3… 2… 1! TOSS IT!"

Princess Edward flung the bouquet behind his head, and it landed in my lap.

Ed: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Havoc: How the… What the…

I'm magic.

Kit stubs out her cigarette and walks over to Ed.

"Here darlin', let's try this again."

"Hell no," the little Princess almost screamed. "It's bad luck to be given the bouquet back!"

"Oh. Right. Well. Fuck."

"Well kids, uhh, that was unexpected. But, let's try this on for size," DJ Maes said as he played "Fever".

Kit kept the bouquet and disappeared back into the background.

Ed: Good! That's where you belong!

You're so mean, Edward. I'm not invited to your wedding? Comfort me, Havoc.

Havoc: Here, have a cigarette.

And I'm comforted.

DJ Maes played a few more songs, and then announced the last one.

"Alright, here we go. The last song of the night is "From This Moment", now all of you who have a dance partner better be on that floor!"

Everyone danced together, and it was a beautiful spectacle.

As soon as the dance was over, Vato and Kain made their way to the newly married couple, told them congratulations for the last time, and headed off into the night together.

Ed: No. Fucking. Way.

I totally hinted at thing a while ago. It's not my fault that you don't understand the language of subtlety.

Ed: Right.

What was I talking about?

Roy: Kain and Vato just left, and you were not-so-subtly telling everyone who ended up with you in this sill match-making game that you made up.

Pissed at your screen time-to-smut ratio?

Roy: A little.

I don't blame you.

Jean and Sein also made their way over to the bride and groom, and made idle chatter for a moment until Jean decided to get the balls up to ask about Al and the mystery woman.

"So, who is she," the tall blond asked, prodding for information.

"Jean, eet ees not nice to be so nozy," Sein chided.

"I don't blame him a bit. I would be doing the exact same thing," the smaller blond remarked.

Ed: No I wouldn't!

Roy: Liar.

Havoc: Liar.

Falman: Liar.

Ed: Nuh-uh.

What?

Ed: Did Falman just make another joke?

Falman: Not intentionally. I was just speaking the truth. If you wish, I can refrain from making them…

All: HELL NO!

Right. So, anyway…

Roy tactfully explained that Riza _was_ his hawk, but she had been under a spell for about five years, and was just changed back into a human, courtesy of Prince Alphonse.

Ed: Magic? Again? What the hell do you think this is? Harry Potter?

No…?

Ed: Because if it was, I'd totally AK your ass right now.

And go to jail?

Ed: Whatever.

And never have hot, kinky sex with Roy again?

Roy: Oh hell no he wouldn't. And I'm not talking about sex. He wouldn't kill you, and he wouldn't go to jail, because I REFUSE to go without for that long.

Yeah, celibacy sucks.

But, we're getting off track.

Ed: Like usual.

Who made you all full of snark?

Ed: I blame it on Roy. And Havoc.

Havoc: What the hell did I do?

That's what I'd like to know.

Ed: Nothing. It's just funny to see that expression on your face.

Still off track. And it's all _your _fault this time, Edward.

Ed: I'm sorry.

No you're not.

Ed: Yes, I am. I just want this to be over.

Why, you don't like dressing up in women's clothing?

Ed: Hell no!

That's not what Roy told me earlier.

Ed: You're dead meat, Flame Boy.

Roy: That's Devastatingly Handsome Flame Man, to you.

Still. Off. Track.

Havoc: They just like to distract you.

I noticed. Thank you anyway, Captain Obvious.

So, Roy explained the situation to Jean, and Jean looked amazed and amused.

"She," he said, pointing at Riza, "was your bird?"

"Yes, don't remind me."

Havoc looked confused, but got over it quickly, and he and Sein told Roy good luck, and Sein gave Roy a piece of advice.

"Meester Roy of zee Muztangz, for your new wife'z zake az well az your own, I 'ope zat you alwayz uze zee lubricant. Eef not, sings can be very uncomfortable for bos parties. Congratulations again," she said as she and Jean walked back to her castle together.

"Please don't tell me she just said what I think she said," the Princess pleaded.

"Your ears are not mistaken," Roy said with a lecherous grin. "Wanna put her advice to good use?"

Edward's eyes got even bigger, then they returned to normal, and he grinned. "Sounds like a good idea."

Roy then proceeded to pick the smaller man up bridal-style and carry him back to their chambers.

"Wait! I didn't mean right now! What will everyone think?"

"Everyone? All that's left is your brother and Riza."

"What happened to Winry?"

"Asking after women? Thinking of others already?"

"No, just self-preservation."

"Well, to answer your question, she left with Alex."

Edward cackled evilly. "No way."

"Yes way, now can you open the door, dear? My hands are a bit full."

"Oh, sure. Ha! That's a bit disturbing, and yet so fitting."

"Thanks, love." Roy kissed Edward softly as he set the smaller man on the bed.

Roy: I thought you said no smut?

Complaining?

Roy: No, just wondering where you're going with this.

Me too.

Ed: That instills a TON of faith in me.

Havoc: What about me?

What about you? You're on your way to getting mind-blowing sex.

Havoc: On screen?

No. Is this called Havoc and the Big-Boobed Lady? I think not. Plus, yaoi. Het-sex can't be in a yaoi story. Be glad you're getting some in the first place.

Now, where was I?

Roy: Getting to the sex.

Or not. How about a scene change?

Roy: What are you talking about?

Don't worry, it'll be good.

Al and Riza were so absorbed in conversation that they didn't notice that everyone had left and it was dark outside.

"Riza, would you like to continue our conversation inside?"

"Yes please, I would like that very much."

Alphonse took one step inside the castle, heard his brother's loud moans echoing off every wall, and stopped in his tracks.

"Would you like to go to the back gardens? They're quite pleasant this time of the year. I'll have someone put out some torches," the Prince said quickly, hoping that Riza didn't pick up on what was happening.

"It is a nice night, and I do prefer the outdoors. That sounds lovely."

Alphonse wished that it was Riza making those noises instead of his brother, but… maybe later. She did just return to her natural body, after all.

Ed: Al! I never knew you were such a pervert!

Al: I'm not being a pervert, BROTHER, I'm just umm… appreciating her… beauty. That's it, I'm appreciating her beauty.

Roy snickers.

Ugh. Boys! Can we keep going?

Riza smiles. Now you know what I go through constantly.

You can have them back. Or shoot them. But only with a tranq dart.

Riza: Nah, I'll let you deal with them for just a little bit longer.

Thanks.

Riza: Sarcasm noted.

Oh, joy. So, you boys done yet?

Ed: No!

Al: YES!

I'm with Al, so you're outvoted, Edward.

Ed: Damn.

So Al and Riza are sitting

Ed: In a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Real mature, Edward.

Al and Riza are sitting outside, **NOT** in a tree, and they're **NOT** kissing.

They're uhh… discussing thermodynamics.

Ed: KISSING!

And the weather.

Ed: KISSING!

Okay, fine, they're totally making out and Al's getting a little grabby.

Ed dances. I KNEW IT!!

Yeah, well, ya'll are brothers, so it doesn't surprise anyone that the younger would be a sex-a-holic too.

Al: HEY! Not fair. Don't judge me because of Brother!

It's a little late for that.

So, anyway, Al and Riza aren't making out, they're pausing for breath from their rousing conversation about thermodynamics, and they decided to go back inside since the night had turned a little chilly.

Ed: Well, Al could just warm…

Al: Can it, Ed.

Alphonse showed Riza to her room, and they both went to bed.

The next morning, Edward limped out into the kitchen, and threw dirty glances at Roy.

"Never again."

Roy pouted. "But, Edward…"

"No, my ass hurts, you bastard."

Roy came up behind his small lover and kissed him on the cheek. "What if I let you be on top next time?"

"I was on…" Edward's eyes widened. "Sounds like a plan to me!" Edward grabbed Roy's hand and rushed back to their bedroom.

Ten minutes later…

"But Roy…" Edward whined.

"No, Ed. Never again," Roy said as he gingerly walked back into the kitchen.

Prince Alphonse shook his head and smiled as he looked at Riza.

She just smiled back.

The End

* * *

No, really. It's done. I beat the dead horse into a bloody pulp.

Ed: You sure? I think I still see a little bit left…

Oh, I'm sure. That's for Hayate to gnaw on.

Riza: Thank you, he'll appreciate it.

Welcome.

* * *

Note: So I said that I'd explain the whole "Al asked Roy to dance" thing. That was a boo-boo I made while initially writing that chapter. I had originally said "Al: 'Well, anyway, Riza is now a human. And if it doesn't bother you any, I'd like to dance with you.'" Heh. That wouldn't have worked. It got changed to "her" real quick.

And earlier in this chapter, Havoc yells at me to stop singing and having a squeegasm. I'm singing "Gunpowder and Lead" by Miranda Lambert, and flipping out over "Chopperman".

There's no reason for me to tell you this, just fun little bits of trivia that I thought you'd like.


End file.
